Fine

It's gonna rain like this for days,
I'm gonna drown in my old ways,
But I'm fine.
I'm fine.

It's gonna hurt like hell
When you pull back the hammer and fire,
But I'm fine
I'm fine.

You see a storm knocked out my super power,
Now I sleep through thundershowers.
Wake me when you learn to be cool.
If I'm the captain of this boat then on my ship may talk fools.
And all the the stars in the world couldn't help me steer my way out of this kiddie pool.

I'm gonna wake up from these dreams
With nightmares lined up on my street,
But I'm fine.
I'm fine.

Needed a hand to keep my head up
So you put hooks in both my ears,
And I'm fine.
I'm fine.

Yeah there's a chronic pain in my ass but know it's not a burden.
It's ironic that I drink to make my insides stop hurting.
And it's love that gives me heartburn,
It's a song that makes my stomach turn,
And I wouldn't trade my hand for all the aces in the deck.

'Cause I'm fine
'Cause I'm fine

Been finding myself relating to this song more and more lately. Earlier in the week, I was feeling downright depressed about my so-called career. Just felt beyond beaten about my job. Here's the scoop on the daily routine at the Mike & Jill Manor. We get up at 6am, I take Remi for a walk when Jill feeds Mia. I come home from my walk/run with Remi, feed him, the guinea pigs and we have breakfast. Jill has a little more Mia-Time before heading off to work till 5ish. I'm home with Mia till 1:30 before my mom comes over to watch and I go to work till 10. As much as I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to go and apply/interview for another job, there's a few dense roadblocks in my way. The fact that I have Mia during the day time leaves me sort of limited on interviews, Mia and Jill are both covered under my insurance at Kwik Trip so if I was to hypothetically pick up a full-time job, there's that lovely 3-month probation period before getting insurance (if they offer it) I don't know if Kwik Trip would keep me on their insurance or if they'd drop me immediately if I went to part time or quit. AND finally, we don't have money to pay for daycare for Mia, so the current situation (no matter how much it sucks at times) is working. We're saving a boat, if not a yaht-load of money from daycare, from which I am always grateful for my mom for babysitting my little Mia.

I know I look pathetic to most of the younger guys at Kwik Trip, especially because my degree is getting dusty, but I can't be the risk-taking father I wish I was. I have to be the responsible father. I probably should have taken more risks when I was going through jobs. What would be great is if Cascio Interstate Music was hiring and that i worked there on weekends. Being around music and drums would be so great. They rarely hire though. Rats. I know I've posted a few times about this inner struggle with myself about my career and work etc etc, but this week really had my pounding my head against the wall, so to speak. I hate having to rely on Jill to get me out of this rut. She has to be getting tired of telling me "Mike, it's not the job that's important, it's that you are there for Mia, that's what really matters". If that's the case, why did I go to school for 4 years? Why am I paying student loans? I really don't know what the "cure" for my blues. Is it Mia giggling with that goofy smile of hers? Is it a much-needed hug? Is it quietly working on art late in the evening? Or is it the music that I've relied on to get me through some of the roughest days? Only time will tell.